I can’t see myself intimate with anyone. Even the guy I dated for six months, him and I never went further than making out. When someone actually does present feelings towards me, more likely than not I do not share those feelings. I panic. It just doesn’t seem logical for someone to like me. I can’t give them a chance, if I do, I’m just keeping them around because they tell me sweet things or something, not because I like them. And then he ends up hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t know if anyone can sympathize or relate. Maybe I’m just a hopeless case that’s stuck behind a brick wall.

I remember..

when i would get so panicked that i would always be alone, that i would never find love. And then i fell in love, with someone who i thought was amazing. I thought he loved me too, and i would literally have these days where i was like “DAMN. i have someone, and he loves me. when did that happen?!” it took me six months. six months to realize all of that was wrong. I have no idea how you really felt about me, all you did was lie.. To think i thought i was happy all that time.. It kinda sickens me. And now, now im back to the moments when i have panic attacks, because i feel like i’ll never find anyone. And now its even worse, because i feel like i wont be able to replace what i had with him.. or find someone better. There might be guys out there who like me, or will love me, but what if i can’t return that? and vice versa, what if who i love wont love me? i back to these break downs. I would almost rather have these delusions where i think im lucky..

(via spobyhadsexagain)