The last time I saw you, besides passing in the halls. We were in my car. I was fighting the tears. You didn’t care. At least you acted that way. Nodding your head, barely saying anything. Your grandpa watching from the front door. I drove off as you got out. The last time I saw you didn’t matter.
The last time I kissed you. I can’t even remember. Maybe after taking you home from school one day? Maybe before your class. I couldn’t tell you. The last time I kissed you doesn’t matter.
The last time I saw you, you gave me a bag of alcohol. You’ve been coming to realize your problems and needed it out of your sight. You had never seen me so upset before and you couldn’t accept it. I showed you the messages, the ones that tore me apart as soon as I read them. The last time I saw you, I wanted to punch you. The last time I saw you doesn’t matter.
The last time I kissed you, I was leaving for work. A peck on the lips after a night spent together. I didn’t give in, you didn’t ask me to. I kept my boundaries and you accepted them. I was heading towards the door, running late, I turned around, have you a smile kissed you on the lips. You smiled back and said you’d see me later that night. Another peck before I fled to my car. I left happy. Content. Routine. But those messages from her, they ruined the routine. They ruined everything. The last time I kissed you, doesn’t matter.
But everything that doesn’t matter. Truly does. Two heart breaks. Two boys making an impact on a stupid girl’s life. No matter how careful you are, you still want to see the good in people. But you still end up hurt.
I can’t see myself intimate with anyone. Even the guy I dated for six months, him and I never went further than making out. When someone actually does present feelings towards me, more likely than not I do not share those feelings. I panic. It just doesn’t seem logical for someone to like me. I can’t give them a chance, if I do, I’m just keeping them around because they tell me sweet things or something, not because I like them. And then he ends up hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t know if anyone can sympathize or relate. Maybe I’m just a hopeless case that’s stuck behind a brick wall.
when i would get so panicked that i would always be alone, that i would never find love. And then i fell in love, with someone who i thought was amazing. I thought he loved me too, and i would literally have these days where i was like “DAMN. i have someone, and he loves me. when did that happen?!” it took me six months. six months to realize all of that was wrong. I have no idea how you really felt about me, all you did was lie.. To think i thought i was happy all that time.. It kinda sickens me. And now, now im back to the moments when i have panic attacks, because i feel like i’ll never find anyone. And now its even worse, because i feel like i wont be able to replace what i had with him.. or find someone better. There might be guys out there who like me, or will love me, but what if i can’t return that? and vice versa, what if who i love wont love me? i back to these break downs. I would almost rather have these delusions where i think im lucky..
What I’m probably going to treasure most about our relationship is how easy it was (well in the beginning). We were so into eachother and we didn’t care. We would spend hours with your family and then I would pass out on your shoulder on the car rides home. Those are probably what meant the most. Just how comfortable we were. Simple proof our feelings for eachother did exist. But guess what. You’re a fucking asshole an I can’t stand you now. Something happened and you changed into a completely different person and I deserve way better than that. And he’s out there. Maybe closer than I think, maybe not. Time will tell and what time taught me about you and is that we are not right for one another.